Estranged

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 05:01:37 GMT

My surrogate father just passed away this evening. I say that because without a doubt, he was the one person I was proud to call dad in my heart. My best friend, his family, are all so fortunate to have been blessed with his blood and warmth all their lives.

Thank you for loving me, Nash.

With all my love in return,
Britt

Ignacio "Nash" Aguirre

Deşteaptă-te, Române, din somnul cel de moarte, În care te-adânciră barbarii de tirani

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 23:05:46 GMT

I lamented and to lull me as he left he said to me, "Think of pastimes whilst I sleep."

So I did. I thought of great pastimes I've had and thought, 'Wow I've have it pretty damn good'. And as much as I'd like to revel in it I know it's time to put a whole lot of that behind me and move on. I've been chained down by a whole lot, be it financial obstacles or emotional ones and for once I see myself on the way to finally breaking free again and for good this time.

I managed to find a place for rent in LA and there's multiple places I've placed my application at. As hoaky as it is I'd like to be hired at the Hard Rock Cafe in Universal City. The subway right next to my new place can get me there in 10 minutes. I'm going, and no one and nothing is going to guilt-trip me into staying. I'm tired of feeling bad about doing things that I know will make me happy. I'm tired of being told I'm some kind of fiend and monster for speaking my mind and wanting to put myself out in the world.

This is for me. Not you. Call me selfish all you want, but I have to think of my own happiness for once instead of constantly focusing on yours.

This past couple of weeks has really opened up my eyes to a lot of things I realized had been strapping me down, and woken me up to what I should be doing with my life.

There's people and places I'm leaving behind, ones who will stay in their satisfied ruts while I seek to go forward.

I'm going.

And it's going to be awesome.

"Viaţă-n libertate ori moarte!"

...So what happens now...

Sun, 10 May 2009 21:34:34 GMT

Yesterday morning:

Yesterday afternoon:

1am this morning (Pro-tip: I'm not angry, just TIIIIRED):

Me and my goddamn Enrico Maxwell hair, hurhurhur. Guess who I'm cosplaying next?

I was so happy to be at that gathering. So happy to see the people I get to see so rarely, at my own fault at most times.

How do I get so jaded over such a thing. I went with such a thrill of seeing the people I love and cherish only to feel like shit over the fact that it just wasn't long enough and I didn't spend the time with the ones who felt entitled to my time. I know, I'm enthralled by you too, not in the kind of way that's like a lover, or something deeper than the meaning, but in the way that's the closest feeling without saying 'love'.

However if you heard me say it yesterday, I meant it, if only for the fact that even some slurred version of the word doesn't usually leave my mouth.

And I'm sorry if I broke your heart. And your heart. And your heart. And your heart. And your heart. And *you* too.

It's times like that I wish I were multiple people so I could give you all the same amount of attention and make you all feel equal to me. I ran short on time, and was being pulled in about 5 different directions. I'm sorry if you felt ignored or that I didn't want your company. Or if I invited you there and you felt I wasted your time because I hadn't let you be my initial focus.

There's always one wish I could get a chance to just be at least cordial with. But you wont have me, will you. But you know, that's OK. I'm not anything to you but a cosplayer. A 'cosplay friend', as people like you are so content with putting 'friends' into separate categories. Maybe if I were more spectacular a cosplayer. Maybe if I were more beautiful and stunning and captured the essence of my character.. I might be granted that special place that's several steps above 'cosplay friend' and be just a 'friend'.

That's all I really wanted. To be seen as a person. I wonder had I bothered this time to cater and say 'Hey nice costume how'd you do this, this, and this' I would have been graced with a hello. Instead I took an interest in you and your life and how've you been and how's your family, what have you been up to lately? Things un-cosplay-related that I know seem so god-awfully foreign.

I miss the old days when I was treated like a human being. But I realize the more and more I see you, you make me feel subhuman. And I always walk away with this awkward gut-twisted feeling.

Awkward.

I don't feel that way around anyone but you. But that's OK. I can ignore it for the sake of my own sanity. It's not like I'm forced to be around you or anything. Hell it's usually just me that always comes up to say well.. anything. But that's OK, and I'm OK with that too.

And I'm sorry to anyone else, who thought I looked mad, or sad, or disgruntled. I know my face doesn't naturally look cheery, especially when I'm wearing THAT make-up, but I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed you. I cherished you and your company and inviting me to come along and share laughs with you. You, who does make me feel human.

I walked away with a great feeling and only slumped into a guilt-trip when I realized how many people pinned for my attention and my gnat-like mind spent but a millisecond on them.

I feel like such a tool.

I'm going to make it up though.

I promised I'd make up for lost time.

Such I thing I don't make often because I know I'll tend to break it if I say it in vain.

Everything's getting better for me in the long run.

I'm going to show you how much so.

Unwelcome comfort

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 23:37:00 GMT

I thought it would be a nice gesture to go to Disneyland with my mom yesterday. You know it's our happy place and all, and it'd be the first time we'd be going since grandpa passed away. We went with my aunt Trina which was the usual godsend. But things plummeted pretty fast once we got to dinner. It was hard to sit there and listen to them talk about him and cry. And since the funeral I haven't wanted to do much crying in front of my mom.

She acted like she was embarrassed of me afterwards. Because so many people had come up to me in attempt to comfort me and calm my hysterics. I was grateful to them, but really all I wanted was to have comfort from my mom and to comfort her in return.

I went to get a drink at House of Blues, I figured I'd meet them later and let my mom have some time with her sister.

She left and it was my turn to take the reigns. I was really looking forward to finally have a moment to bond with her over our grief.

I thought I could do that yesterday when I got her alone. But I guess I was wrong. She told me I would never understand how she felt. Because he wasn't my father and I'm too ignorant to ever even grasp her grief. All I had asked was for her to talk to me, tell me how she's dealing, told her she wasn't alone and that I was hurting too. She wouldn't have to be by herself and think it's all on her.

But apparently saying that made me a selfish person. She stormed off and left me alone in the park. She was back at the car when I found her. She didn't talk to me the rest of the night.

Today she proceeded to then punish me for my insolence by cleaning the house top to bottom or "I'm taking your phone and your internet away." Which, by the way, I both pay for and she has nothing to do with.

My dad advised me to just stay out of her way today. But when I did she came attacking. Her house was clean, but apparently not good enough. I had apparently done nothing all day. I was apparently just selfish and think "it's all about me". As she's yelling this I've said not a word to her all day. I followed my dad's advice and just kept quiet and let her vent. She slammed my door open and told me I no longer get privacy. I suspect she's going to take it off it's hinges next, just like she did 2 years ago. Told me to get out of her house, that she didn't want me there.

All because of last night that I wanted to talk, to be and be an ear to listen. I'm her only daughter after all, she should be able to talk to me. But apparently I'm not good enough. I was never good enough.

I understand she's grieving, but I really don't know what to do. I hate that I have to be left home alone with her. I'm afraid to really go anywhere, knowing what she'll do while I'm gone. But I guess I shouldn't care about my piddly material positions at this point. It's not as if I have much anymore anyway. Not since the last time she did this to me.

I'm tired...

Edit: Oh and she's turned my cellphone off, which I pay for. Any of you trying to call me can reach me at my house-phone. Contact me on my AIM: AnjiMitoChou if you'd like it.

My castle stands upon pillars of salt, pillars of sand

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 07:35:12 GMT

I took up the task at first I admit a little begrudgingly. I hated that it felt like the rest of the family didn't care enough about him so they asked me to take care of him. My grandpa was losing strength and his mind little by little every day and I hated so much to be subjected to seeing it. I didn't want my last memories of him as a deteriorating feeble frail shell of the man he once was.

I hated going into that assisted living center and hearing the sounds of forgotten elderly people crying and bemoaning, the sounds of lost children that would cause me to shudder and wish I could just deafen it out so I could get the task of visiting over. Say I did my part. I walked him, read to him, fed him, brushed his hair and talked to him about his day's as a car-repairman, and how he needed to get up and go to work, even though I never really knew if he understood or even knew who I was. I was one of many grandchildren he had, I was one of the few that passed off as one of his daughters, so I didn't mind if he called me Brenda.

But after a while as the weeks passed and I kept coming back, my qualms lessened as I focused more on him and not his situation.

Today I got careless. Today for the first time I felt his hands and they were WARM. They were so warm like they used to be 5 years ago. I hadn't felt them so warm since he last knew my name. Today I thought this was the turning point in his illness. The warmth was a sign to me things were getting better so after exercising him and reading to him I cut my visit shorter than usual. He had fallen asleep like he usually did and this time I didn't bother to say goodbye because I knew he couldn't hear me, and that I'd see him again next week anyway.

He died 20 minutes ago and I was the last to see him alive.

The End

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 01:07:49 GMT

What do you do when the only voice telling you, you're a winner, is your own? When all around you, you hear it in stereo that you're a failure at everything you ever tried and everything you ever will strive for. I don't know what to believe anymore. I can't even hear God's voice anymore.

They called me today to say that I've been terminated due to a CER Violation.

Which, put in Layman's Terms can be one of multiple things, but usually to do with cleanliness. I'm OCD as many of you know when it comes to hygiene, so how this befelled me is out of my hands, out of my grasp of comprehension. I have eczema for one, a chronic dry skin disease that ironically enough I contracted from working at Abbott two years ago.

I have a feeling it is what was my downfall. About a month or so ago my supervisor advised me against scratching, and from then on I had kept a close eye on myself to keep from it. This is all I can think of...

They've asked me to turn in my badge and parking pass tomorrow and if they bother they might even have the mercy to give me a follow-up on why I'm such a fuck-up.

It's over. I spent two years with my face in the mud trying to climb my way back to the top, back to the job I loved, the people I loved, the position at which I felt at complete zen.

It wasn't even about the money.

And I know how bullshit that is. But this is different. Abbott is different.

I was helping people. I was saving lives. We're reminded of that daily and it gave me such pride, such joy that I wasn't some joe-smoe at a burger joint. I was making a difference in peoples' lives every day by just coming into work. It meant something. It had impact. I cared so much about what I was doing to the point that I didn't mind that all I ever slept, ate, and breathed was work. How tired or sick I was didn't matter, I would be there.

But I fucked up.

I've never felt so low. And I know they say once you hit rock bottom the only way is up. But that proverb has never sounded like such utter bullshit than right now.

I don't have any hope, even as my aunt, who works in the Zevo building of Abbott and is a R & D Technician, is emailing me right now trying to get as much information on the situation as she can. I just don't see any way out of this. Two years ago I didn't have any way out. And that was when Abbott was Guidant. When they were more lenient and graced me with a full year before terminating me.

God.

How long has it only been...?

Was it November? November 11th? That date sticks out for me.

Not even 3 months.

3 months.

I screwed up in 3 months.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

For here on out though. I'm canceling any plans I had for this year. ALL.

GONE.

Anyone I'm disappointing, well. Sorry, but I'm not going to be around anymore. My priorities are elsewhere.

This is the end.

Welcome Back to ShinRa Incorporated, sir!

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 02:23:03 GMT

It's been too long I've been away from that building. With it's sterile hallways and deathly cold atmosphere. Save for the fact that every day we're saving lives with our products.

I work at Abbott Laboratories in my town and we're a Cardiovascular Medical Supply Company. We make Stent Delivering Catheters, Stents, and Drug Eluting Stents. I work in Dilatation, where we make the delivering catheters from scratch. These instruments help clear blocked arteries of plaque, preventing heart attack and stroke.

It's a tedious job at times but I love it more than anything. It really satisfies my workaholic needs, I get to be in a professional environment and... well it is a plus with the great paycheck and all.

The past couple of months have been swamped with me trying to get this job settled and back in my hands full time. I haven't had much time for anything but severe work. I was amazed I made it to PMX, which had been my only break in between work for a good two months.

This week I got myself all settled and finally walked past the doors I've called ShinRa Inc. as an official. Business casual and all!

The mosaics are for confidential information I'm not allowed to disclose lol.

This is the building I work in. One of 4 in that immediate area:

Labs to the right, elevators to the left, oblivion at the end.

Here's what happens to me when I have to ENTER those labs:

THE GOGGLES DO....... SOMETHING! They keep chemicals (ACID, WUT) and flying debris out of my eyes D:! A rare moment of me without makeup lol! As you can see, I am not pleased... however I get over it once I set to work. :3

But as much as I love to speed with my hands, I'll get bored and attack my portfolio with my pen, and then this shit happens:

...I like Hellsing... ♥

And these guys are my best friends... They give me food. Really awesome food. Today they made me Seafood Jambalaya! ...Yeah our company takes good care of us. <333

I guess I'm so passionate about all this is that I'm finally secure again in a career I wish to keep for as long as possible. There's something amazing knowing the things I make are going to help save someone's life. I've been fanatic trying to secure my position here and now that I have it I'm absolutely ecstatic! It also means I'll finally be able to take care of myself in the way I've always wanted.

Things are finally going my way.

Joy :3

The comback of Chinese Democracy

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 02:10:30 GMT

GROUPIES ONLY

There isn't too much to say. You probably knew this handle once as 'seraphim_sephy'. Still confused who this broad is? Feel free to remove me from your F-list.

Onto business! It's been nearly a year since I touched the proverbial hug-box known as LJ. In our last episode, our hero left the nest to venture forth into the wild blue yonder. Spread their wings and soared onto adulthood... At least getting themselves about halfway there or so.

Accomplishments: Drivers license, car, insurance, steady job, new hobby, new friends...

Things that were overwhelming at first with how quickly they achieved all of these at once over the course of six or so months. They were certainly gladdened to finally overcome many of life's great fears for the chance they might just benefit from life for once.

Still the same person, just that much smarter, and that much more of a backbone.

So why the name-change? Well I've been estranged for quite sometime to most of you, some more than others. That, and I was eager to touch base with my childhood and the band and music I grew up with.

The layout's been completely redone too. NOW WITH WORKING LINKS AND BUTTONS FOR YOUR CLICKING PLEASURE.

Entries may be few and far between just like they had always been, but I'll at least give you an update to let you know this rock and Rocker is doing just dandy.

If you still remember me, I'd love to hear from you!

Epic.

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 05:36:37 GMT

Whoa. Steve Irwin died.

BY A STINGRAY BARB.

THROUGH THE CHEST.

Sure. He had it coming...

"THESE KOMODO DRAGONS CAN CRUSH MODERATELY SIZED STONES IN THEIR HANDS! THEIR SALIVA IS SO FILLED WITH BACTERIA IT IS CONSIDERED A POISON. NOW I'M GOING TO LAY NEXT TO TWO OF THEM AND STROKE THEIR TAILS!"

Man. Though...

He should have went in an epic battle with a croc.

He should have fought like...

Five crocs.

Two dragons.

A bunch of snakes.

A giant scorpion.

And a polar bear.

Epic power metal playing.

And thunder.

Dramatic wind blowing his hair.

On a cliff edge.

Then he'd be seen at a in a bird's eye view.

And a heavenly chorus would ring out in the metal music.

And he'd be shirtless.

With three big claw marks down his chest.

And he'd have a staff.

...

And then his wife will find him and hold him and cry.

Then they'd have a Viking style funeral pyre for him.

And as the flames raise to the heavens the camera will pan up.

And his profile will be smiling in the sky.

With the fable wind blowing his hair.

And the profile will be transparent of course.

And there would be a rock version of his 'Crocodile hunter' theme playing.

...

...

That would have been badass.

His Spirit Lives On
Our Modern Day Hero
He Was Truly Epic