Current music:

Dracula Origin

...So what happens now...

Yesterday morning:





Yesterday afternoon:



1am this morning (Pro-tip: I'm not angry, just TIIIIRED):









Me and my goddamn Enrico Maxwell hair, hurhurhur. Guess who I'm cosplaying next?

I was so happy to be at that gathering. So happy to see the people I get to see so rarely, at my own fault at most times.

How do I get so jaded over such a thing. I went with such a thrill of seeing the people I love and cherish only to feel like shit over the fact that it just wasn't long enough and I didn't spend the time with the ones who felt entitled to my time. I know, I'm enthralled by you too, not in the kind of way that's like a lover, or something deeper than the meaning, but in the way that's the closest feeling without saying 'love'.

However if you heard me say it yesterday, I meant it, if only for the fact that even some slurred version of the word doesn't usually leave my mouth.

And I'm sorry if I broke your heart. And your heart. And your heart. And your heart. And your heart. And *you* too.

It's times like that I wish I were multiple people so I could give you all the same amount of attention and make you all feel equal to me. I ran short on time, and was being pulled in about 5 different directions. I'm sorry if you felt ignored or that I didn't want your company. Or if I invited you there and you felt I wasted your time because I hadn't let you be my initial focus.

There's always one wish I could get a chance to just be at least cordial with. But you wont have me, will you. But you know, that's OK. I'm not anything to you but a cosplayer. A 'cosplay friend', as people like you are so content with putting 'friends' into separate categories. Maybe if I were more spectacular a cosplayer. Maybe if I were more beautiful and stunning and captured the essence of my character.. I might be granted that special place that's several steps above 'cosplay friend' and be just a 'friend'.

That's all I really wanted. To be seen as a person. I wonder had I bothered this time to cater and say 'Hey nice costume how'd you do this, this, and this' I would have been graced with a hello. Instead I took an interest in you and your life and how've you been and how's your family, what have you been up to lately? Things un-cosplay-related that I know seem so god-awfully foreign.

I miss the old days when I was treated like a human being. But I realize the more and more I see you, you make me feel subhuman. And I always walk away with this awkward gut-twisted feeling.

Awkward.

I don't feel that way around anyone but you. But that's OK. I can ignore it for the sake of my own sanity. It's not like I'm forced to be around you or anything. Hell it's usually just me that always comes up to say well.. anything. But that's OK, and I'm OK with that too.

And I'm sorry to anyone else, who thought I looked mad, or sad, or disgruntled. I know my face doesn't naturally look cheery, especially when I'm wearing THAT make-up, but I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed you. I cherished you and your company and inviting me to come along and share laughs with you. You, who does make me feel human.

I walked away with a great feeling and only slumped into a guilt-trip when I realized how many people pinned for my attention and my gnat-like mind spent but a millisecond on them.

I feel like such a tool.

I'm going to make it up though.

I promised I'd make up for lost time.

Such I thing I don't make often because I know I'll tend to break it if I say it in vain.

Everything's getting better for me in the long run.

I'm going to show you how much so.