Unwelcome comfort


I thought it would be a nice gesture to go to Disneyland with my mom yesterday. You know it's our happy place and all, and it'd be the first time we'd be going since grandpa passed away. We went with my aunt Trina which was the usual godsend. But things plummeted pretty fast once we got to dinner. It was hard to sit there and listen to them talk about him and cry. And since the funeral I haven't wanted to do much crying in front of my mom.

She acted like she was embarrassed of me afterwards. Because so many people had come up to me in attempt to comfort me and calm my hysterics. I was grateful to them, but really all I wanted was to have comfort from my mom and to comfort her in return.

I went to get a drink at House of Blues, I figured I'd meet them later and let my mom have some time with her sister.

She left and it was my turn to take the reigns. I was really looking forward to finally have a moment to bond with her over our grief.

I thought I could do that yesterday when I got her alone. But I guess I was wrong. She told me I would never understand how she felt. Because he wasn't my father and I'm too ignorant to ever even grasp her grief. All I had asked was for her to talk to me, tell me how she's dealing, told her she wasn't alone and that I was hurting too. She wouldn't have to be by herself and think it's all on her.

But apparently saying that made me a selfish person. She stormed off and left me alone in the park. She was back at the car when I found her. She didn't talk to me the rest of the night.

Today she proceeded to then punish me for my insolence by cleaning the house top to bottom or "I'm taking your phone and your internet away." Which, by the way, I both pay for and she has nothing to do with.

My dad advised me to just stay out of her way today. But when I did she came attacking. Her house was clean, but apparently not good enough. I had apparently done nothing all day. I was apparently just selfish and think "it's all about me". As she's yelling this I've said not a word to her all day. I followed my dad's advice and just kept quiet and let her vent. She slammed my door open and told me I no longer get privacy. I suspect she's going to take it off it's hinges next, just like she did 2 years ago. Told me to get out of her house, that she didn't want me there.

All because of last night that I wanted to talk, to be and be an ear to listen. I'm her only daughter after all, she should be able to talk to me. But apparently I'm not good enough. I was never good enough.

I understand she's grieving, but I really don't know what to do. I hate that I have to be left home alone with her. I'm afraid to really go anywhere, knowing what she'll do while I'm gone. But I guess I shouldn't care about my piddly material positions at this point. It's not as if I have much anymore anyway. Not since the last time she did this to me.

I'm tired...

Edit: Oh and she's turned my cellphone off, which I pay for. Any of you trying to call me can reach me at my house-phone. Contact me on my AIM: AnjiMitoChou if you'd like it.